Monday, July 16, 2012

Will I Ever Be Normal (Again)?

I realize it's been awhile since I've blogged...there has been so much to write about, so many things to say, and so much going on, but somehow I haven't been able to have the heart to write about anything. I hate to say it, but I've been a little down in the dumps the last while :(

Because of the deaths of some of the dearest people I've worked for, the last couple months have been really hard for me. 

I know that in my line of work that is to be expected, but there are times when you just lay awake at night and think of the bittersweet memories. Through it all I have to wonder..."Will I ever be normal again?"

There are some things in life that I just can't do anymore because the memories are just to bittersweet to do without the searing pain that comes when I think about the special times I've had with 'My people'

I have such fond memories of when I'd sit with a dear gentleman and listen to old-time country and western music. He was a yodeler and we spent MANY hours sitting quietly listening to music, or him humming, or just in plain silence...I can't listen to old-country music anymore.

Or when another gentleman who was in so much pain while I was there, but was such a brave soul! We would get up a couple times a night and his only comfort was food. He loved eggs fried in lots of butter with really buttery toast (Just like me) so we would snack and drink coffee...and I loved him so deeply! I don't think I've ever connected with anyone so quick as easily as I did with him. I also got to witness (And feel the Presence) as he seen an angel. That in itself was so absolutely amazing...I can't eat fried eggs anymore, I just get sick to my stomach with heartbreak.

There was the time when I had to get rid of  my dogs and the lady I was working for at the time seen my tears one night, although I was trying my best not to show it. I'll never forget how she wrapped her arms around me and held me while I cried...and although she had Alzheimers pretty bad, first thing in the morning before even getting dressed she came into my room to see how I was doing and make sure I was okay. When I lost my much anticipated foals this spring I just LONGED to crawl into her arms again, to have a shoulder to cry on...I can't go through deep heartbreak without wishing she was here with me.

The lady that would spend hours visiting with me about the Lord, and encouraged me to stay strong in Him, who later begged her kids to make sure I was with her when she passed away.

The lady who ate jello with me every night, and refused it any other time because that was 'our special thing' between the two of us.

There are so many more memories. Memories that I don't have time to share, or the heart to think about. Everyone I worked for was so SPECIAL!! Some people were easier than others, and some were so short term I haven't had time to get to know very well, but I've never worked for anyone long term that I didn't end up just learning to love with all my heart. the time goes on the pain gets less sharp, the constant thoughts become less and less frequent. I start seeing beauty in life again. I find it in my heart to have the guts to start working for someone else and deciding to love them with all my heart. But every time I start doing one of the 'special things' that I used to do my heart cries. The pain/memories that I thought would eventually go away that's hidden way deep down still surfaces even years after they're gone. It makes me wonder...will I ever be normal again? Is there ever going to be a time in life when I can't do ANYTHING without thinking of a special someone? Is it possible to love someone too much, like to the point of not being able to get over the memories?

I don't know...but I DO know that each of these people were a special answer to prayer. Truthfully I'm always scared to death to start new jobs, and I always pray that the Lord will give me a love for the person I'm going to work for, that they'll be able to see and feel that love...the love that He loves them with and I have the privilege of getting to pass it to them. And I'm so thankful that each time He saw fit to answer my prayer in the way that I've longed for and give me that love that helps me overcome fear =)