I read my text and close my phone. Tears come to my eyes as I think of all the events that is happening at home; events that I used to enjoy being a part of. Not that it was anything out of the ordinary, it was just plain good ol’ home life. Mom had texted me that Joe got his moose, and Duane was heading home with a nice deer. I remembered how it was to have someone come home from hunting, and we would all run out and crowd around the pickup to see what they got. Or the nice supper that would come afterwards with the comfort that comes with being with those you know and love.
I walk into the living room. Harvey had accidentally changed the channel from his normal Sunday morning Mass to the Hallmark movie channel. It shows a happy family scene, and I tear up again. I am engulfed by loneliness, and thoughts of unfairness start to try to enter my mind.
My phone rings - its mom - I don’t answer it. Most of the time I don’t answer my phone while at work, but today its just the mere fact that I don’t think I can talk to mom and hear all the news without crying, and its not fair to put that on my mom - she’s been trying to get me to quit my job for months.
“So why don’t I quite?” I think. I guess the answer would be that I don’t feel that Its God’s will for me to quit right now. Maybe later I’ll share why, and how I feel about my job. Right now I don’t feel like writing a whole book on it, which is what I’ll probably end up doing! :p
I started to think of the book I read the other day about a pioneer girl who got married and moved out the west, and how she missed her family. I couldn’t understand why I started crying reading about that! I remember when my older sister got married and moved out of state. She said every time she got a letter from the younger ones she would tear up. Although I knew she missed the younger ones at the time, I still had in my mind that she was married to a man that loved her dearly, and had TONS of friends out there, she never really was home much anyway, why does she miss them?
Although I’m not married, and still spend a full day or two home, I STILL miss not being able to be there for the ‘normal life’ that I had growing up. I think of how nothing will ever be the same as it used to be. The oldest two siblings are gone and I miss them! I miss everything about them and wish they were still around to add their imput to my memories. Not to say that I would change things! I love both of my in-laws like crazy, and am so glad that they are now a part of my family. There are new memories…and challenges, and I am looking forward to them. I just have a fear that my old memories will disappear…
Hmmm, dreary day! My eyes are red, and my nose is running…
In all this though, I do know that I am doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder because I know that family is the most important thing in the world, but what is more important than that is doing the Lords will, and even though I hate to admit it, since working I have grown so much more spiritually. I’m not saying that is the case for everyone, or that it will always be the Lords plan for my life…but with all the
(sometimes selfish) prayers, I do feel confident that this is where God wants me right now. It may change tomorrow, and it may be the same for five years. Whatever the case, I want to be willing to do what HE wants for me…After all, there is no place better to be than in the center of HIS will. (The hard part is knowing what His will is at the moment!)
I don’t want to be complaining about how things are because in reality things really are quite wonderful, and life is still an adventure. Its just that (even though I still live at home) I DO get quite homesick at times! Maybe the Lord is planning something for the future, and is slowly preparing to break away (Africa, here I come! Ha ha) Or maybe He just wanted me to have more quiet time with Him to grow spiritually. Maybe there is a reason I never have or will know, and maybe it’s a combination of everything put together. Whatever the case I just want to be willing to serve the Lord, and if it comes with loneliness than whoop-de-doo! Life is lonely! There has been many times I was just as lonely at home too!